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Conorama

Expounding on Nothing

Impartial Observer

 
The only reason we went to Ralphs was to buy Coke and the makings for speghetti as my sister and The Hair are coming over for dinner. That's always a good thing.

 
So I warned Mr. B that if he takes even a tiny bite out of any of those sponges, they are going straight to the trash. NO EATING SPONGES! So far, there is only one small nibble out of the corner of the replacement sponge mop device. The multi-colored four pack are mysteriously missing. Only Mr. B knows where they might be. Sheesh.

 
It's very difficult taking Mr. B to Ralphs. He creates problems at the check-out. Today he spent a long time pondering over the choice of sponges, and finally settled on a multi-colored four pack, and a replacement sponge mop device. He carried them in his shirt throughout the market, exposing his giant belly, then refused to give them up at the checkstand. The cashier tried to be patient, although with a decidedly condescending look on her face. Mr. B finally relented, long enough for the cashier to scan the items, then immediately put them back in his shirt. That replacement sponge mop device cost me $5.99 before tax! Dammit.

 
Mr. B keeps swiping the plastic waffle and bringing it home. I have to pry it from his hands after he falls asleep, and send it back to Miss Molly the next day. Mr. B spends time each morning looking for the waffle. A very mysterious disappearance, he must think. I guess I'll have to try and find him his own plastic waffle. And cookie. And ice cream cone. Of course, I have nothing better to do with my time.

 
Overslept the alarm again. Managed to make the bus for Mr. B, and C-note was only one minute late. Whew. What's going on here?

 
We have survived Mr. B's birthday. He is in heaven now, with all of the loot. We made our traditional, annual pilgrimage to Toys R Us to celebrate with Mr. B. We start at the front of the store with a big cart, and go up and down each aisle, while Mr. B surveys the scene, and gleefully throws whatever tickles his fancy into the cart. Today, he was much more discerning than in the past. He chose three videos, a bowling set, a pre-school train system, and two big boxes of plastic balls. At this moment, Mr. B is watching his videos, running the train in circles, and sitting in his bathtub, which is filled with 200 plastic balls. The bowling set is strewn up and down the stairs. He has his rollerblades on, of course.

 
Happy Birthday Mr. B!!!! It is only fitting that you should be laughing your fool head off lost in dreamland when I woke you up this morning. What were you dreaming about? Your birthday? Rollerblading down the very, very steep drive into the parking garage last night? Today we'll celebrate your fearlessness. And your silliness. Either way, don't forget your helmet!

 
The sheriff activity didn't help much either. The foghorn blares: "Stop your vehicle. I repeat, turn off your vehicle. Put your hands up. Don't move. Now, with your left hand only, roll down the window. I said left hand only. Now, with your right hand only, take the keys from the ignitition. Throw them out the window. Throw them out the window. Now put your hands outside the window. Do not get out of the vehicle." After several more minutes of this: "Now slowly get out of the vehicle, on your knees, on your knees! Lay down with your hands over your head. Don't move." All of this from the safety of the sheriff's vehicle, using the foghorn, which echoed in my bedroom like he was sitting on my headboard. I suppose he was waiting for backup. I surely don't blame him. Could have been that crazy Nick Nolte driving PCH on GHB again.

 
Didn't get much sleep last night. Upstairs neighbors busy from 11:45 until 4:00 doing their usual nocturnal activities. What could they possibly be doing that makes that much noise? I can hear them two floors away. Bowling? Sounds a lot like recess when I was in third grade. No, I guess they were moving furniture. Again. Yawn.

 
Okay, the most ridiculous bumper sticker of the day: "Relax, God is in charge". Well, I certainly would NOT want this person to be my friend. Just imagine, you are about to step off a cliff, and they remind themselves to relax because God is in charge. Then you step off this cliff and die. Nice.

This is called cross-realm projection. When a stupid human takes the laws of nature from one realm (the transcendental) and tries to apply them to another realm (in this case, relativity). Now, we all know that our world, our universe, is based upon quantum mechanical physics. It is not possible, at least at this juncture in our evolution, to bend the laws of nature to fit our need to make ourselves feel better about the world. So, next time I'm about to step off a cliff, please scream at me to watch where I'm going!