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Conorama

Expounding on Nothing

Impartial Observer

 
WATCH YOUR BACK

Mr. B has a habit of quietly lifting people's wallets, removing perferred items, and silently replacing said wallet. So, today as I was holiday shopping and opened my wallet to use my credit card, I found no credit cards, no driver's license, no ATM cards. I immediately called the Hungarian Nanny, and she found the above items in Mr. B's jacket, of course.

Now, as with other perseverative infatuations, we must devise an educational behavioral program to exploit Mr. B's infatuation with thievery. He came home from MHS on Friday with the dry erase board eraser and promptly ate it, (avoiding any evidence, I'm sure). Suggestions would be appreciated.

And, FYI, I've already contacted the U.S. Government notifying them that Mr. B is highly qualified for any position involving secrecy, invasion of privacy, theft of identity, and lack of remorse. They responded that although Mr. B is overqualified for most positions, such as intelligence operations, he might just fool the public and sneak in as a U.S. Senator. Even President perhaps.

 
IDENTITY CRISIS

I'm thinking about this woman I saw today, a Japanese tourist with her husband, walking in dowtown Santa Monica. The woman seemed to have taken great care in choosing her outfit: black mini shirt with cute top and sweater, white go-go boots with five inch heels, and trendy bag to match. Her husband was pretty hip as well. She's obviously a modern young woman, so why does she take such great pains to walk precisely five feet behind her husband?

She was very good at this. When he slowed, she slowed, staying five feet behind. When he walked on and she got caught up with other pedestrian tourists, she quickly recovered and re-established the five foot gap. On and on they walked, her traditional subservient behavior colliding with her modern yearning to express her own individuality.

Why do we white-knuckle onto identities that no longer serve us? Comfort? Fear? Confusion?

Identiy dies hard.

 
WOW

I ran over to Gelson's market to pick up a few things, and lo and behold, in the next check-out lane is my absolute FAVORITE FOOD NETWORK STAR CHEF!!!! And, she is even more beautiful in person!!! Wow.

I finished paying before she was finished, but I just had to see what she was buying, so I "pretended" to be looking over my receipt and do a little spying, if you know what I mean. Well, she bought a ton of cleaning supplies, three bananas, and a bottle of vodka!!! Wow.

Tomorrow I think I'll make her chicken piccata.

 
PSSSST!!!!

Hey you! Yeah you, the guy standing in the middle of the Promenade pontificating on the evil nature of women and their EGOS. You are jabbering on endlessly, in front of thousands of holiday shoppers, yapping into a bull-horn cranked to a gazillion decibles to make every last stinkin' point, so that no one within miles of you can escape your ranting and raving about women's EGOS. Ummm, can you see the irony here? Guess not. Dumbass.

PSSSST PART TWO!!!!!!

Hey you! Yeah you, the guy driving next to me on PCH simultaeously eating orange peels, smoking a joint, drinking a beer, and talking on your cell phone. Ummmm, can you say ILLEGAL? Guess not. Dumbass.

 
T.P.

I wonder if we are the only ones who have a family member who goes around the house with toilet paper on his head. Then again, I wonder if I am the only one who actually ran over a moving roll of toilet paper on the road the other day. I also wonder if we are the only ones who keep up to three completely undone rolls of toilet paper in a sack next to the toilet, due to the overzealous forays of same family member seeking the cardboard tube for a snack.

Most likely.