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Conorama

Expounding on Nothing

Impartial Observer

 
CRY BABY

I reluctantly returned the hybrid, and picked up the BEHEMOTH. I'm trying really, really hard not to be so disappointed, but it's hard.

Mr. B even went out and just sat in the hybrid for about 45 minutes this morning. Just saying his goodbyes I suppose.

Well, a song comes to mind:

"You can't always get what you want,
you can't always get what you want,
you can't always get what you want,
but if you try sometimes,
you get what you need."

Oh, alright.

 
LOOK MA, NO BRAKES!!!

My friend "Bob" from the garage called with an update on the BEHEMOTH. Seems the rear brakes are shot, and the front ones are not much better. AND, the parking brake just doesn't work at all! Can you imagine me parking that fat-ass on a slope with the parking brake just looking pretty, but not doing anything at all? I want that job, just looking pretty and doing nothing at all.

The monetary setback is another $450 or so, so just add that to the tally and take a deep breath.

 
THE FUTURE IS HERE

Since the BEHEMOTH is being serviced at the garage, I decided to live a little, and got a rental car that is the exact opposite of my vehicle. No, it's not a Mini, good guess though.

I rented a Toyota Prius, that hybrid car that gets 1,000,000 miles per gallon! Not really, but compared to my car, it's quite a change. This car is really weird. It has no key, but a key card like you get in a hotel, only fatter. Then you push a button to start the car, and when you put the gear knob into drive or reverse, it goes back to a neutral position. Every thing is computerized, so to change the temperature in the car, you use a touch-screen. I'm pretty impressed with it. I hear that they are going to do a hybrid of the Toyota Highlander next year.

If I ever get the opportunity to dump the BEHEMOTH, I would consider this sweet little hybrid. I like the word "hybrid", don't you?

 
WHEELIN' AND DEALIN'

So, I took the BEHEMOTH to the garage today, as it's been awhile, (well, an eternity) since it's been serviced. Plus, I'm kinda tired of calling AAA to jump start my car every few days. My kind friend "Bob" asked me a few questions and determined that the BEHEMOTH needed the following attention:

* new battery
* new front windshield (cracked)
* emission service
* ignition system check
* service fuel injectors
* replace fuel filter if necessary (and you know it will be)
* replace air filter if necessary (ditto)
* tune engine
* replace transmission fluids
* rotate and balance wheels
* oil/filter change/check all fluids
* 26 point (count them folks) vehicle inspection (I actually requested this, believe it or not)

So, the estimated deficit to my bank account is around $1,000, plus anything else they find when that fat-ass is up on the blocks. I am comforting myself with the erroneous belief that I'm taking care of my bizness, and making life safer for me, my boys, and the other 7 million people on the same roads that I traverse.

Lord have mercy.

 
SIBERIAN SIDESHOW

Now that Vlade will be back with the Lakers, the question remains: Do we still like him enough after all those years of flopping for the the Kings? Can we remember the good years? Can we remember anything after being eviserated by the Pistons?

And, just one question for Dr. Buss, if you will, "What were you thinking when you traded away Shaq to acquire a 40-something? ahem, player to cover the wide and vast expanse that the rest of our team seems to be permanently allergic to?"

Just wondering and laughing, because to be a Laker fan, one must have a very, very well developed sense of humor.

 
STILL THINKING ABOUT BIRDS

Apparently I'm not the only one who's noticed that the black crow population is determined to take over the planet. According to University of Washington ornithologist John Marzluff, these "scrappy, non-charismatic species" have increased their populations in urban areas by an uncanny amount: 425% in Hartford, Conn., 122% in Sacramento, CA, and more than they can count in L.A., my home sweet home.

It seems that environmental awareness has made it less acceptable to idly kill "pest" animals, unless you live in the country. These savvy creatures came to realize that us city residents are less likely to persecute them on the spot, while their brethren in the country are still accustomed to being shot immediately, no questions asked. And, if researchers approach a crow nest in the country, the birds simply slip away, however, if scientists come up on an urban crow's nest, these birds launch a screaming, beak-first assault. It's not pretty, believe me, I've been there.

Think about it. Mr. Marzluff says that these urban crows are smart to flock to the city, with many crows able to feast fantastically on the American junk-food diet, easily found in dumpsters all over the metropolis. A hundred crows can live in the same space occupied by just one poor country crow cousin. And, city crows tend to be young and single, and tend to move off to the suburbs when they start a family. Sound eerily familiar? Well then listen to this: some adolescent birds spend a year of more in the city, hanging out, disturbing the peace, and living the high life, before returning to Mom and Dad in the 'burbs to take on more responsibility with the younger siblings before they start their own family.

What does it all mean? My alter-ego is an old black crow/crone/urban dweller, making her way along side me in life. I have been known to morph into a screaming, beak-first maniac if anyone even thinks of hurting one of my boys. Still, I think I am more attuned to the sweet, melodic songbirds that wake me in the morning just as the sun comes up.